Purpose?

my life has no meaning.

I'm scrambling around for a purpose,

and coming up short.

what's the point of moving forward?

looking back on the past,

because I can't face my future.

trying to rationalize taking up space on this planet,

but I can't find a excuse.

what am I supposed to do?

who am I supposed to be?

Ask me who I am today.

I'll answer no one...

sickeningly lonely

It's sick how much I miss you

my insides twisting

Hands shaking

and there's no one here to calm me

you're not here to calm me

I wish i'd been enough for you

and for myself

I miss you so much

Loath these lonely nights

hate this bitter person I've become

I'm sick with loneliness

and there's no cure

wishing

I wish for the past,

but press hard into the future.

I'm dying for a life,

even now i know wouldn't work.

I'm rushing a future,

that I'm not sure of.

who am I?

no one has the answer,

and I've stopped answering my calls...

Smiles

These words are who i am

The smiles are what they believe

When pen meets paper I am alive

My eyes shine hollow no one sees

I live in-between the lines of my writing

My empty laughter fills the air

Only here am I real

What you see is not real

My smiles what they choose to believe

Too Great

I give, I retreat

everything here is too great for me

I stand in the shadows of giants

they tower over me

I am weak and feeble

too faint hearted for this place

I lack that special something

easily knocked from grace

I tumble down to darkness

where now i must hide

and all those silly giants

stomp on my pride

for I am too weak

too small

too frail

and too feeble

to be amougnst these giants

so great are they

and I've nothing to give

so I'm done

no more fighting

I'll hide from the failure

evrything was just too great here

Who

I wanna hurt
I wanna bleed
rip this shit out
and make them see

there eyes are caught open
but no ones really looking
there sight is mislead
by the sights they are fed

I am sick and twisted
a sad and lonely thing

I am lost and broken
and the pieces too small to find

I don't exist
but why should I
I'm sick and cold
but who's surprised

maybe I should just scream
if I really want to be seen

Circus Ride

and it'll all crumble down
like a cheap circus ride

and we must go on smiling
like those silly little clowns
with there painted on grins
that hide away there sins

cause its time to go and play
at the carnival today
for the cheap rides
and mediocre thrills

the parade is today
and we'll all go out and wave
with are painted on grins
as it all crumbles down

I wonder

I wonder what I'd do if the bleeding didn't stop

would I just watch as it flows and goes with it my soul?

Would I panic and react and try and keep myself tethered to the ground?

Or would I quietly slip out of this life to the next?

I wonder I wonder..

wrote it in 06

and even with your broken soul you carry on like nothings wrong. Your smile empty your eyes cold, but no one seems to notice. Which is the biggest shame of all.

Frost

the seasons change

and the frost drifts away

I shiver though it has nothing to do with the cold

I wish the frost was still near

but I can feel the chill settling in

heavy on my heart

and achingly present all around me

I wish for the lighthearted frost

to be near me once more

but the frost is gone

and the chill settles over me

Unsure

Not really sure what's going on anymore.

Tired of games and pretenses.

I'm done playing, no more tricks.

It's just me now and thats ok.

I'm lonely but not as lonely as i was,

when I thought I had everything.

I deserve it all too spoiled to share.

I'll be strong and soldier on.

Though often I wish you were near.

I'll deal and learn to feel.

Maybe one day you'll let me be my spoiled self.

So I'm fine better then I was,

though a little worse for ware.

I can make it if I must.

because I deserve it all.

And fully willing to wait for who ever it may be.

FML

alone

I'm cold and lonely

with only myself to blame

my heart aches

and i push it down

my dreams stir it around

and i knock it down

I'm empty, hollow

not sure I care anymore

i'm broken and damaged

not sure it matters anymore

I'm smiling on the outside

but burning within

no one notices

no one's let in

I'm alone

though i suppose

you wouldn't know

Go

I know you have to go

But I’m not ready yet

Just let me hold on a bit longer

I don’t mind if you lie

I suspect it half the time

Tell me it will be ok

That this will last

Tell me I’ll never be alone

The lonely nights are through

That you’ll be there

And you’ll always care

Don’t let me go yet

I’m still too weak

To fight off the darkness

Just lie to me for a little while

Wait for the darkness to lift

Just don’t let me go

I’m not ready yet

Nights

I spend my nights wishing for your warmth. Reaching out in my sleep for a figure that isn’t there. Disappointing dreams brought on by your scent that still lingers here. Lonely nights spent convincing myself you still care. Fighting hard not to lose myself to despair but losing more often then not. I feel like you’re running from me and I’m to slow to catch to you. Always right in front of me but just out of reach. I spend my nights alone pretending I’m not bothered by it. Sleepless hours brought on by your very palpable absence.  Racked with self-pity I try to shut down and lock everything out. There can be no pain when there’s nothing inside left to feel it. I spend my night’s cold and alone thinking of you.

Bleeding

I’m bleeding right in front of you      

Can’t you see me?

I want to cry out to you

But my voice gets caught in my throat

I feel like you’re slipping through my fingers

Are you still there?

I want to knock down these walls

But can’t find the strength to

I’m trying not to shut down

Is it already to late?

I’m dying inside caught up in myself

Are you still there waiting for me?

I’m afraid I can’t get up on my own

Yet more terrified to reach for your hand

Only to find it denied to me

I’m bleeding right in front of you

Dying without a cause

Can you see me?